Word of Salvation – Vol. 14 No.32 – August 1968

Permissive Parents - And Ruined Families

Sermon by Rev. Prof. T. L. Wilkinson, M.A., B.D. on 1Samuel 2:30

Some time ago a woman spoke to a minister and said something like this: "I don't know what I've done wrong.  I've done my best to bring up my children, but.....!"  She found it hard to say more, for her children were away from the Church, and away from Jesus Christ.  She felt the hurt and the sorrow of it all, and the heart-ache was often there.  But what can you say to a woman like that?  What can any minister say?

This case is only one of so many.  If we had time we could go around the suburbs of some of our big cities and find very many young men and women who have drifted from Christian circles and influences.  Sometimes they are quite indifferent, and at other times openly critical and even hostile in their attitude to the Church and to Christian things; but often, too, they are living in a way that brings shame and grief to godly parents.

What is the reason why the children of good Church people, of good Christian parents, drift in this manner from Christ?  It is extremely difficult to give a complete answer, and there is probably an element of mystery in it.  We cannot hope to consider more than one reason today, but that one reason is a very important one, and one that merits a lot of heart-searching on the part of parents as well as on the part of those who are planning to marry.  It is a reason that can be stated by saying, "they had permissive parents" – parents who were too indulgent of wrong in the behaviour of their children, under the mistaken belief that "leave them alone and they'll be all right"; the permissiveness that an older psychology proclaimed and fostered with great harm to our homes and society in general.

The story before us today contains a tragedy that in its essence is repeated in very many homes in our contemporary society.  It is simply the story of a good and even religious man who because of a mistaken permissive or indulgent attitude to his sons, brought judgment on them and on himself.

The first chapter of 1st Samuel opens with a poignant story of a childless woman suffering from the stinging criticism and contempt of others.  She comes all the way to the house of God and engages in earnest prayer to God that he will grant her a son.  The priest Eli saw her, and because only her lips moved, he thought she was drunk, and he said to her "How long will you be drunken?  Put away your wine from you.”  The woman pointed out that it wasn't drink, and that she was not "a daughter of Belial" but it was the bitterness of her heart that sought God in prayer.  Her prayer was granted, and when the child was born, she dedicated him to God, saying, "I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord" – a very beautiful example of a deeply pious and consecrated life.

The next chapter is placed in contrast with this one.  It tells us, "Now the sons of Eli were ‘sons of Belial’" – or worthless men, the very kind of person that Eli had accused Hannah of being.  Then we are told how they disregarded the regulations and instructions of the Lord which he had laid down, and which prescribed what share of the sacrifices the people should give them.  They simply ignored God's word, and took the very best for themselves.  This kind of behaviour shows, as we are expressly told, that "they had no regard for the Lord".

It was a piece of selfish robbery of man and of God, and done by men who were priests, or if you like, by members of the clergy, or eldership.

But their wickedness didn't stop there.  We learn that they committed immorality with the women serving the temple.  The Bible takes a very serious view of sex, and binds its expression to the marriage of man and woman.  But it strongly condemns immorality, and warns that those who indulge in it will not enter the kingdom of God.

Their actions were well known among the people, and it requires little imagination to picture the effect it would have on the worshippers and the ordinary people.  Whenever the leaders of the Church, the ministers and elders, live lives that are contradictory to God's Word, it immediately lowers the whole tone of the Church.

Men are often only too ready to find some excuse for indulging in sin that is so attractive and enticing.  If a man can soothe his conscience by pointing to the minister or elder or some prominent Christian in the Church who is doing something wrong, then he feels justified in going that way too.  Of course, he is quite wrong and God holds him guilty, but this is certainly the power of a bad example.

It may well be that someone in this Church today is setting an example that gives men an excuse for sinning.  Let us search our lives and be ruthlessly honest about this matter, and let us have the courage to put our lives straight in the sight of God.

Then again, the Church ought always to be the conscience of the community.  The world around us expects to find an example in the teaching of the Church, and in the quality of life expressed in the actions of its members.  It is precisely because the Church today is so indefinite in its teaching even its moral teaching – and even more because of the low level of its own life, that there is such a growing power of corruption in society around us.  But let the Church speak up and declare the mind of Christ; let the Church send out its members to live up to the standards set by her Lord.  Then there will be conflict and opposition – but also an effective raising of the general level of social behaviour.  What do the men who meet you through the week and at work think of your life?  Do they feel that your life is so different, so much in accord with the teaching of Christ, that they feel rebuked, and made aware of their own need to change?

What was the cause of these young men dishonouring the Lord in this blatant way?

This is sometimes a question asked when the children of good Christians fall into sinful ways of living, and forsake the ways of Christ.  Men point to all sorts of temptations and influences which they think could have some bearing on the matter.  But in this case we are not left to speculate on the mystery of it; we are given specific information by a prophet who came to Eli and declared to him the message God had for him.

He began by reminding him of the high privileges which God had conferred upon him.  God said that he had chosen Eli's house out of all the tribes of Israel to be his priest, and had plentifully supplied him with provisions of food.  Yet Eli had honoured his sons above God by taking the best of the offerings.

Eli owed everything to the fact that God had graciously chosen him for his task.  We know that the priesthood was typical of the great work of our Lord Jesus Christ who was to appear as the High Priest promised by God, to take away our sins and bring us into the presence of God.  God had conferred this great task upon Eli, of being a representative of Jesus Christ.  And yet, in spite of such privileges which others might well envy, he had been guilty of honouring his sons above the God who had chosen him for this dignity.

We too, who belong to Jesus Christ, know that He chose us in His great mercy and brought us to hear the Gospel and believe in Him.  Ours is the high privilege to bear His Name in a world that has rejected and crucified Him.  Ours is the priestly privilege of having direct access to our Lord, and knowing the wonder of redeeming love that is capable of delighting our souls.

But God held Eli responsible for the actions of his sons: "Why then look with greedy eyes at my sacrifices and my offerings which I commanded, and honour your sons above me....?"

It seems clear that God is not saying that Eli actually did what his sons did, but that God holds him responsible for their actions.  This is certainly a Hebrew way of looking at the family.  The father is held responsible for the actions of his sons, and because he has not prevented these things happening, he has honoured those sons above the Lord.

Here we are at the heart of the matter.  The parent Eli has in some way been responsible for the tragic impiety of his sons, and their moral and spiritual degradation.

How has this come about?  What is it that he has done or has failed to do, that has led to this?

From this chapter we learn that Eli was told about the behaviour of his sons, and he did speak to them, but they wouldn't listen to him.  But while he did speak, he certainly didn't take action.  Our general impression is that he is a good man – but a weak one in this respect, that he was too permissive.  He seems to have been the kind of parent who is a good man himself, and takes it for granted that his children will grow up to be good men and women.  But growing up to be good and to serve the Lord with consecrated lives, is not a natural and an automatic thing.  There is sin around us and within us that tempts our lives and distorts them.  In fact the "natural" growth would be toward lives of wickedness.  But God has covenanted with believing parents and gives his promises to them, as a means of strength and a source of encouragement, promising to be the God of our children also.

But again, this is not automatic.  It is not something we control like a certain mechanical process.  There is an element of mystery in this, but we know that the sinful and unwise ways of parents are sometimes reflected in the drift of their children from the covenant of God, and from the Saviour Jesus Christ.

One of those unwise ways of dealing with the children is seen in the permissiveness or indulgence of Eli towards his sons.  We don't know about the early home-life of these sons; we only know that, when they were grown men, it was too late to do anything to help them.  The process of correction should have begun in early childhood, and if this had happened, correction in manhood probably would not have been required.  Eli represents a surprisingly large number of families where the parent, in this case, the father, is good and religious, but where the children are allowed to have their own way, and are not properly controlled and taught obedience.  Probably the best way to see this point, is to give some cases where this permissive parental attitude is displayed.

Recently on a T.V. programme showing a case in the Children's Court, it seems that there was a boy being tried for armed robbery.  His father was there, and stood up and demanded that his boy be released.  But he was put outside while the judge talked to the boy alone.  The boy then contemptuously referred to his father as having a "cabbage head," and went on to say that he could get anything he liked out of him.  Here was a case of a permissive parent, ready to excuse his son's criminal activity regardless of the rights and possessions of others, and not aware that it was precisely this indulgent attitude to his son that had allowed him to become a criminal.  Or take the case of a girl whom we will call "Jeannie".  Her minister had to reprove her because of some trouble that she was causing in the Church.  But her mother argued with the minister that it was not Jeannie's fault, but the fault of the other girls, (this is the sort of thing that all teachers are familiar with); whereas it certainly was Jeannie's fault.  That mother failed to see that, by always defending her daughter when she was wrong, she was helping her to become anti-social in her behaviour.  The mother's permissive attitude to her daughter was in fact the thing that would surely result in that daughter drifting away from what was right, and into paths that lead away from God.

Actually, children only really respect and deeply love their parents when they do set standards for their children, and require them to live up to them.  It is the parent who exercises a proper control over his child and corrects his child, who is showing real love as the Bible understands that word.  Scripture itself asks the question, "what son is he whom his father does not discipline?" and points to the example of God himself by declaring, "the Lord disciplines him whom he loves".  The permissive parent thinks he is loving when he allows a child to do just whatever he likes and does not correct him.  But the Bible sees it the other way around; that a child is not really loved unless the parent corrects him.  Of course this is only part of the training of a child, though a very important part.  To ignore the need for a really warm and genuine religious atmosphere in the home, and just concentrate on controlling the child, would be completely wrong.  But we assume today that these other aspects are not neglected, and we will concentrate on this one aspect of permissiveness.  Of course the most obvious result of a life that is allowed to do what it likes, is seen in social delinquency.  Many young people who have lacked a good home and security derived from wise parents, have grown up to be indifferent to the rights, property and feelings of other people, and this has led them into the kind of trouble that you can read about almost every day in your newspaper.

But we are particularly concerned about those children of Christian parents who may or may not be social delinquents, but who have definitely drifted from the Church and from Jesus Christ, and are living in rebellion and wilful sin.  The case of Eli's sons is one very definite example, and as we have observed, in this instance it is traceable to the indulgent or permissive attitude on the part of the father.  As such it stands for all time, like a wreck on the rocks that warns others passing by, of the danger that is here.  Eli does not stand alone in the sinfulness of indulgence.  There is at least one other case in the Bible.  There is the case of Adonijah, who sought to seize the kingdom of Israel from his father by unlawful means.  In telling the story of his rebellion, the Bible writer makes the very penetrating remark that "his father had never at any time displeased him by asking, ‘why have you done so and so?’" Surely the great king David did not realise what his permissive attitude would lead to in the life of this son, or he would have been more careful to train him in the proper paths.

Undoubtedly every Christian parent makes mistakes in the training of his children.  But those mistakes should not be persisted in until damage is done.  In Eli's case it was too late – his sons were under the judgment of God because they were hardened in their sins.  It may be that in the case of other families this has already happened.  But let all parents learn to be humble enough to examine their ways, and to seek earnestly that God will give them wisdom, and a readiness to place God first in their family life.

But now let us look at the other side of it.  God has not left us alone.  He has not left parents alone in their struggle to bring their children up in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  On the contrary, He has promised to bless those who put their trust in him, and look to him for help.  God's covenant is meant to be an assurance of his mighty saving grace to those who walk in obedience to Christ.  Let every parent be encouraged by the powerful promises of God, that he can do what is impossible with men.

We can be glad that many parents have known the never-failing help of God in their family life.  They have experienced a full measure of joy in seeing their children grow up to serve the Lord with zeal and courage.  Their glad testimony is that God has wonderfully honoured them in their family life, and they know that He will continue to do so in the future.

This story and this text combine to be a strong warning, and a most encouraging call to obedient and believing Christian parents in their privileged and pleasurable task of leading their children in the paths of the Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Let us again heed the word of God as it says, "Those who honour me, I will honour."

Amen.