Some years ago a man commented that he appreciated the affection that his adult daughters showed him.   He related how he would often get a text message from one of them that would end with the letters LOL.   It rather deflated his ego somewhat when he learnt that LOL did not mean ‘lots of love’ but ‘laugh out loud’.   Those three letters are really the verbal substitute for a smiley face.

I was thinking about that this week as I cleaned out some files.   Amongst the paperwork were some notes from a marriage counselling course about communication.   I had to smile as I re-read some miscommunications that often take place in marriage.

He says, “Boy, am I hungry!”

He means, “Make me something to eat and serve it to me on the couch.”

He says, “It’s much too expensive.”

He means, “You could get a neat computer for that.”

He says, “I have a surprise!”

He means, “I bought something stupid.”

He says, “It’s a beautiful day.”

He means, “It’s too hot to do the gardening.”

He says, “You can’t mow the grass when it’s wet.”

He means, “There’s a game on the tube.”

But it’s not only men who don’t always say what they mean.   Women do much the same thing at times.

She says, “The trash can is full.”

She means, “Take it out.”

She says, “This kitchen is so inconvenient.”

She means, “I really want a new house.”

She says, “You have to learn to communicate.”

She means, “Just agree with me.”

She says, “Do what you want.”

She means, “You’ll pay for this later.”

She asks, “Am I fat?”

She means, “Tell me I’m beautiful.”

You could probably add your own favourites to this list of miscommunications.   The reality is that we often send all kinds of hidden signals in the way we speak and in the words we say.   What was it that James said again about our tongue being like a fire?   LOL!

Sometimes we pick up on each other’s subliminal messages.   In fact, chances are that if we’ve been working hard at a relationship and if we have been in that relationship for a long time we generally read each other well and the hidden messages don’t create too many major dramas.

However, too often these miscommunications turn into verbal bullets that destroy a marriage.   That becomes even more of a problem when a couple don’t understand that successful relationships require hard work and much communication effort.

It’s striking that the Christian faith, which is about redemption and renewal, also applies that to include our communication with one another.   If you don’t believe that then please notice how often the Bible deals with the subject of speaking and listening.   The book of Proverbs is a good place to start: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (15:1).   In the New Testament the same Bible book that tells us that we are saved by grace (Eph.2:8) also tells us that we must now therefore not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths but only what is helpful for building others up.

Our communication too is affected by the brokenness of a fallen world but the good news is that it is also redeemed in Christ as we submit our tongues and ears to His control.

John Westendorp