I have a natural tendency to be a bit of a hoarder – just a bit. I find it hard to throw out clothes that have passed their used-by-date. I have an excuse though. Old shirts and pants always seem so much more comfortable! The shed has a lot of junk that should go to the tip too – as my wife keeps reminding me. However as a handyman I’ve often discovered that two or three days after I throw out stuff I suddenly have a use for it.

My present hoarding problem is one of paperwork. Over forty years of ministry I’ve accumulated a lot of useful stuff. Now that I’m retired from active ministry I’m finding that I really do need to clean out my filing cabinet and my book shelves. But I’m not finding that easy. Yes, I know, I can’t take that stuff with me when I depart from this life. I think I’m going to have to be like Boaz before he got married: ruthless.

Cleaning up some files today I came across one folder that I think I’ll keep – my kids can get rid of it after I die – after all they are the ones responsible for it. It’s a folder in which I’ve filed letters received from my children over the years. It’s an amazingly mixed bag. There are some wonderfully encouraging letters of appreciation. Reading them today is still a joy. But there are also some very challenging ones in which my children, by the grace of God, had the courage to confront me about my shortcomings as a parent (and as a person!). Reading them today still makes me cringe – but I’m grateful for them just the same.

There is one advantage in reading those (more critical) letters now that some decades have passed. I’m able to see a couple of things much more clearly. Especially this: that despite my parental shortcoming my children have turned out remarkably well. Those critical letters cause me to say that with a great deal of humility. Despite my failings the Lord has matured them into well balanced people who are a blessing to others.

I want to say this especially to those of you who are only just beginning the journey of parenting. It’s easy to beat ourselves up over our mistakes. Some of our failings may even make us wonder where our children will finish up. We are acutely conscious when our children arrive that we only get one go at raising them so we want to do it well.

Many years ago a man came to me after his son had told him that he would no longer be going with the family to church. He just didn’t believe all that stuff anymore. With much pain in his voice this man asked me, “Where did we go wrong as parents?” I explained to him that we do our parenting too in a fallen world. All of us struggle to put off the old self and put on the new self that is being renewed in the image of our Maker. And parenting too happens in that context where we are not yet perfect.  Of course I also stressed that his son was responsible for his own actions and he should be careful not to blame himself for them.

Let me mention just one area where we often fail: the need to ask our children to forgive us sometimes. We accuse a child of misbehaviour and punish them accordingly – despite their protests of innocence. Later we find that the real culprit was someone else. At that moment it’s easy to gloss over matters or make excuses. Admitting a mistake and asking for forgiveness from a child can hurt our adult pride.

I pointed out to the troubled father that our parenting too is always by the grace of God and our parenting too needs the atoning blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. And that gives us hope. My children turned out better than my weaknesses and failings would lead me to expect. What’s more there were of course also the many positives. We do want to bring up our children so that they will know the gospel and walk through life with Jesus. And if we are faithful in doing that then those teachings will always remain with them even if they suppress them for a time.

I guess that the passing of time has highlighted for me (more than ever) that the gospel needs to be central in our parenting. We must not only teach that gospel to our children but we must live it out with them as best we are able. Today the most wonderful thing is that my children (and that includes their spouses) are not just my children – they are also my brothers and sisters in Christ.

John Westendorp